I Remember

I remember clearly.

Turning on the news that morning,

having just kissed Erik good-bye,

and hugging and kissing Christine & Rebekah

as they headed off for school,

I remember holding Selena lightly in my arms,

as she was still so fragile a thing,

and Joseph stood next to me holding onto my leg.

I remember the numbness, the disbelief, the absolute shock

as I watched the twin towers crumble

over and over again,

as the newscasters repeated again and again the devestating news.

I remember that the t.v. was on all day

that day and for days afterwards

as I watched and prayed for the rescuers

to find people to rescue.

I remember,

with mixed emotions,

that day -

for September 11th 2001 -

ended the life of many a person,

but it was at that moment

and in the following weeks

that my life began to come back,

began to change.

I don't think it was because of 9-11

but it was in the following weeks,

as I grappled with my emotions,

that I started to make some changes.

Little, to some, but big changes to me.

I put our house up for sale,

I quit doing foster care

(although it is a good thing, it was a change that I needed to make),

we moved,

and in the process of it all,

I was able to recognize depression for what it was.

I hadn't realized that I suffered from depression -

how could I know -

when it was something that I had felt all my life?

And yet, there it was,

looming and consuming me when I should have been happy.

I had always been content in my depression,

consigned to always feeling low

and wishing that life would be over.

9-11 shocked me into action -

I wanted to feel joy,

I wanted to feel love deeply,

but I couldn't.

Now with help,

I can.

I remember.

I remember that life is fragile,

I remember that life is hard,

I remember that people are stronger than they think,

I remember to kiss and hug my family each day,

I remember to say I love you,

I remember that we need eachother,

I remember the power of prayer, and the need for it,

I remember that in tragedy, there are always people to help,

I remember that life goes on,

I remember that some dreams die, while other dreams live on,

I remember that Heavenly Father knows each of us,

personally,

at every stage and moment of our life,

I remember that He loves us.

I remember.

I remember.