I Still Love You . . .

I'm not sure if I heard more than 10 words from either of my daughters today. I know they were talking, I just couldn't hear them. I didn't get to play at all with my youngest today. I sat on the floor near him, but I wasn't allowed to play. I didn't get to hold, or love, or spend time with any of my other 4 kids today. I tried, but I found that my arms had to hold onto other things, like hands, and arms, and legs. I made a special date with one of my sons today - just he and I together for 2 minutes, taking out the garbage and recycle, together - nope, never mind, that was interrupted too. I didn't get to read my scriptures, or hear the sacrament prayers. I didn't get to sing with the choir, or enjoy eating my meals. I didn't see the sunset, or hear any birds in the trees. I didn't get to visit with a friend who came to visit me. In a house full of family, in a church filled with friends, in a world full of people, it was only he and I. He torturing. I protecting. He laughing. I trying not to cry. He pooping. I cleaning. He looking at me with eyes full of disdain, full of derision, full of curiosity, full of hate. I trying to look at him with eyes full of love. He striking, scratching, kicking, hitting. I trying to defend, and then feeling remorse for when he got caught in his own crossfire. I, trying to hold, to caress, to love him. He resisting me again and again. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but it probably won't. It's not okay - no one can ever make it okay - but, I'll still keep trying. I know that I love him, and I guess that's all that matters, and when he is acting unlovable, that's when he needs my love the most! Don't worry, I still love you!