Home Again

• 9 days this time - I don't really count the night of admittance.
• He came home on the 9th right after our staffing meeting.
• He missed his baptism, but I don't think he has even realized that.
• Unfortunate timing, and I'm sorry that Erik's family came to visit without a baptism to grace it.
• Don't know when we'll re-schedule it. Don't really want it marred by the mood that's permeating his world right now.
• No answers - only shakes of our heads in disbelief.
• He's not ready to be home, and we all know it. All of the things that landed him in the hospital in the first place are still painfully present.
• No answers. Just hospital bills, for a very expensive vacation that we all greatly needed.
• Now what?

Back in Again

• Yesterday at the dentist office, necessitated re-admittance.
• Erik took him last night, and they spent the better part of the night waiting, just waiting, in the . . . well, for lack of a better word - the waiting room.
• Threat to self & others - that's how one describes it - but that's only a neat little package of words, that doesn't do any justice to the gravity of the situation, or the life, or the challenges.
• Here we go again . . . and yes, I mean WE. He doesn't walk this path alone, WE are with him every hard step of the way.
• The energy has been knocked out of all of us.
• We knew it was coming. The honeymoon of him coming home, didn't last very long. School was a real challenge to him, and the impulses and the lack of impulse control were there, pretty soon after he came home.
• We knew it was coming - he could probably sense it too, but 2 weeks! He's only been home for 2 weeks.
• Sigh.
• Here we go again.
• This time? Answers please!

Hospital & Transition Home

• He was admitted to Phoenix Children's late at night, on the 3rd
• 11 (or 12, depending on how you count it) days later he came home, the 14th of Jan.
• The emotions have been exhausting
• The guilt of leaving the other kids
• The guilt of not visiting him every day
• The peace of sleeping soundly at night
• The concern, watching his hands and head twitch with the tremors of Lithium
• The long drives back and forth
• And now, he's home . . .
• and so far, so good.
• Seems to be controlling himself pretty well.
• Still gets upset quickly, but will go take a "sit out" on his own, or at least the first time we ask.
• Goes to sleep fast, and stays asleep (that's a miracle!)
• Can't concentrate on schoolwork though.
• Still tremoring a lot. That's hard to watch, since he's the boy who was amazing at detailed activities like art and Legos.
• The meds. aren't right yet, we can tell.
• Watch and wait. Watch and wait. Here we go again.

The Wii vs. Mom & Dad

Short blog post. Can't remember in detail anymore, because too much time has passed. I'm writing though because I want to remember as much as I can - it's a clue into the inner workings of his mind. He's obsessed about the Wii. He can earn 2 stickers a day, one in the morning and one in the evening for good behavior. 6 stickers earned, and he can pick a prize from the prize box or play the wii for half an hour. He doesn't have enough stickers yet, but he's convinced that he does. Our whole visit was riddled with, "Can you leave now? If you're done visiting then they'll let me play the wii!" Not true, but he's convinced himself that it is true. He's driving the staff crazy with it too. All day long he asks if he can play the wii. They mentioned in our staffing meeting that he seems to have some fixation, and obsessive tendencies. We know . . . shall we talk about how many times he requested/demanded Ramen for Thanksgiving dinner? There's a reason that we don't have a Wii - can you guess what it is?

Mixed Blessings

It's a challenge and a blessing having James in the hospital. It is hard to leave the other kids at dinnertime to go and spend time with James. It is hard to leave James at bedtime, to take care of the other kids. It is hard to re-arrange our schedule, take time out of our evening, and drive in traffic, and then have James not really care that we're there. It is amazing how quiet the house is without him here. Joseph laments that it is too quiet and too boring without James. I agree, and I miss him terribly. However, with his absence, we've been able to talk to each other, watch a movie together, and go to sleep without worry about what he is doing. Life has felt normal, and happy, in a way that it hasn't for a very long time. I knew things were out of kilter, and yet, I've been too close to the forest to see the trees. With the stress of his mood swings out of the home, for the moment, I now realize just how chaotic life has been. I'm utilizing my time to take some really deep breaths.

Day 2

Attended the staffing today. Not much information since he really hasn't been there that long. They allowed me to visit him since I wouldn't be able to come back and visit tonight (Wednesday night - NO WAY! Ortho for Rebekah & Joseph, Cub Scouts, Mutual . . . )

------------------------------ Short visit. 3 minutes tops. Did an awesome job making his bed, and he was very proud of it. Thrilled to get a picture from Jalen Andrew. Asked if he could come home yet, when I said that the doctor would tell us when, he turned his back on me, and walked out. Visit done.

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Talked to him on the phone tonight. It was so cute to hear him talk to his brothers. Jalen Andrew immediately asked him, "Where are you, James?" And Joseph had James giggling, especially when he asked James, "So . . . what do you want to talk about?" ----------------------------- Hard to leave him visitorless tonight, but then, he really didn't appreciate my visit earlier, did he? Just trying to keep it all in perspective.

Phoenix Children's Hospital

The kids arrived home from school. I allowed James to have a snack, and to use the bathroom, and then headed him into the van. He was already in a "mood," and there was no way I could tell him where we were going. I broke the news gently to him as we drove to meet Erik at work, "We're going to a place where the doctors can watch you, and help you to get your meds. right." He was okay with that. _____________________________ It was dinnertime, so we got him something to eat at Burger King. We just didn't think to get anything for ourselves. ____________________________ We did a lot of waiting. Waiting in the waiting room. Waiting in the 3 different rooms that we were sent to. Waiting. It was actually rather pleasant with James. He was fairly relaxed, and content to be there. ____________________________ Somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00, we were allowed to go on up to the inpatient center, where they gave us a quick tour, then escorted James off to bed, while they explained the program to us, and we signed a bunch of papers. I thought it would be heart wrenching to walk away, but it wasn't. James was content to say good-bye, and by that point I was so tired that I was ready to go home. __________________________ 12:20 a.m. Arrived home from the hospital, ate pizza for dinner, went to bed & tried to sleep. Restless thinking of James, and wondering how he felt sleeping in a strange bed.

8 a.m. - 3 p.m. Phone calls upon phone calls. Had at least 5 calls from different staff members at the hospital. James went to bed fine, woke before it was time to get up, had a bm during the night, ate a good breakfast (1/2 his French toast, all of his cereal & juice).

6 - 7 p.m. Visited with James. He heard our voices as we came in, and he came running straight to me, and gave me a tight hug. We played with the Legos, built a marble drop, and got creative with the Mr. Potato Heads and Family. James wouldn't tell me much about his day, and was very guarded in his emotions, rarely looking me in the eye. He lied to me about playing the computer all day, and about being wet, but corrected himself when I called him on it. He got irritated with me when I asked him to stop playing, and to put away his clothes. The irritation was short lived, and then he complied. He was so proud of the way he made his bed this morning, but he wouldn't discuss with me what the smiley faces on his calendar meant. We drew on the whiteboard in his room, and he smiled when I wrote I LOVE JAMES in block letters. We erased the board, but my words were still etched there. He was touched that Joseph wrote him a letter, and drew him pictures. He returned to that several times, to read "I love you, James!!!!!!!!" over and over again, and he studied the picture of our family that we brought for him. When it was almost time for us to leave, he asked if he could come with us. I told him that he could come home when the doctor said that it was okay. He threw down what he was holding, with frustration. When it was time for us to go, he asked me when the doctor was going to tell him that it was time to go. Holding my hand, he approached the head nurse and asked her if he could come home with us. She told him, "Not yet." He gave Erik and I good hugs good-bye, and this time it was harder to walk away from him. I cried on the way home, as I thought of his sweet, little face, and his wish to come home with us.